All the balancing bull

Hi there. Sorry I’ve been gone so long.

Turns out, I don’t really need time alone with my thoughts, because guess what, I’m a raging maniac!

Seriously. I just spent an hour and half at office fantasizing about ringing a giant bell with my boss inside. Let me explain.

There was this Randheer Kapoor movie long long ago with a nubile, over-bleached Rekha with penciled eyebrows playing his lady love. The film was called Kaccha Chor, and the story line went something like this: Make Randheer Kapoor do stuff before the 70s get over and his Royal Obnoxiousness can no longer be concealed under cool clothes. Really. If there’s anything worse that could have happened to Hindi cinema than Randheer Kapoor, it would have been a Randheer Kapoor in the 80s.

Anyhoo. So in this slapshod excuse for a film without any coherent story or themes, there was one awesome moment in the climactic scene in the villain’s lair, which even the worst films in the 70s tend to get right. Remember how every Hindi film villain has these James Bonds style torture devices to umm… torture people instead of like, shooting them in the face? So in this movie, that Great Torture Device is a bell. A 6 feet tall metallic bell that the bad guys place over you and then hit with a hammer from the outside, so the giant bell makes a giant bell sound, metallic vibrations and all, with you still inside.

That bell is the reason I will defend my habit of watching terrible movies to my dying day – if you can wade through all the unintentional hilarity without judgment or exasperation, you will someday be rewarded with a mind-blowing image like Randheer Kapoor getting royally belled inside a giant fucking metallic bell.

That image is my special solace, my happy little place where I go to when life gets all shitty. I picture the source of that shit inside that giant bell, and me standing with a big hammer in hand. Has a nice ring to it. And yay, I’m punny!

Okay sorry. But like I told you, I’m a maniac.

And what did my boss do to deserve the ringing? That’s a story for another day.

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